ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Ocean of Despair
Flashes
Crashing
A last gulp of air
Sight of lost bubbles
Drowning
Deeper
A last glance of light
Feelings of lost warmth
Reaching
Grasping
A last brush of fingers
Sounds of lost voices
This water
So cold
I’ve lost touch
With the sun
Fighting
A last taste of salt
Clawing
Smells of lost roses
I’m drifting
My arms, legs
They won’t respond
Sinking
Darkness surrounding
Blind eyes watch
The sun
Leaving
Stop this sinking
May I float?
I’ve lost my senses
The sun is lost
Flashes
Crashing
A last gulp of air
Sight of lost bubbles
Drowning
Deeper
A last glance of light
Feelings of lost warmth
Reaching
Grasping
A last brush of fingers
Sounds of lost voices
This water
So cold
I’ve lost touch
With the sun
Fighting
A last taste of salt
Clawing
Smells of lost roses
I’m drifting
My arms, legs
They won’t respond
Sinking
Darkness surrounding
Blind eyes watch
The sun
Leaving
Stop this sinking
May I float?
I’ve lost my senses
The sun is lost
Suggested Collections
A piece I came up with because I thought of a thunderstorm while I was swimming at a friend's house...(that doesn't make much sense).
Anyway, the title is supposed to be like my other (and, in my opinion, better) poem titled Forest of Despair. It's because they both have the same feeling and similar symbols (ie: losing senses, losing touch with the sun).
It has a choppy, staccato feeling because the speaker is drowning, after all. You don't really have enough breath underwater to go off on a long monologue, right?
Edit: Changed the first two words. --_-- Now it sounds more like a plane crash or something
Anyway, the title is supposed to be like my other (and, in my opinion, better) poem titled Forest of Despair. It's because they both have the same feeling and similar symbols (ie: losing senses, losing touch with the sun).
It has a choppy, staccato feeling because the speaker is drowning, after all. You don't really have enough breath underwater to go off on a long monologue, right?
Edit: Changed the first two words. --_-- Now it sounds more like a plane crash or something
© 2008 - 2024 Neveko
Comments2
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
There is a piece of information here that conflicts with the opening stanza. If there is lightnin, rain, clouds, etc, then the sun is already gone. I understand that the sun represents life as a whole, but this piece strives for imagery as well. Keep in mind that your imagery and your metaphors shouldn't conflict.
Might I suggest using a metaphor to a feeling instead of the sun. I would use human touch. You used that in stanza 3 with a last brush of fingers. That could represent life as a whole.
Just some advice.
-Joe
Might I suggest using a metaphor to a feeling instead of the sun. I would use human touch. You used that in stanza 3 with a last brush of fingers. That could represent life as a whole.
Just some advice.
-Joe